What Hurts the Most…Bad Habits

I have this awful habit of ignoring my initial instinct or vibe I get with new people. I ignored it and ended up with an abusive partner for 11 months. I ignored it and ended up with an unpredictable back. I ignore it….and always get hurt.

It’s amazing how it people that you come to trust, come to call friends, that hurt you the most. It’s also amazing that the words that hurt are words that you have told yourself repeatedly. Maybe it’s just hearing those words from the mouth of someone close to you makes them more of a reality.

I was once cleaning the bathroom, which was right by my sister’s room, when I heard her talking about me with her buddies online. Since I  was cleaning, it’s not like I was just going to stop what I was doing and go away to avoid listening. (Oh, and she’s not one of the ones that I get a bad vibe around or who causes a  “run away” instinct!) She told them that she decided I didn’t approve of her online relationship with someone because I was just jealous that she was in a relationship while no one wanted me.

Yeah. Those were my thoughts – that no one wants me – put into her words. I was in my early 20s at that point.

I did end up abandoning my cleaning because I just could not hold back the tears anymore. I went back to my room, curled up with a pillow against my face, and cried. For awhile.

So. Fast forward. I have this friend to whom I’ve been getting closer to the point that I am actually willing to leave the comfort of my sweats and house on a work night and meet her to hang out. I actually trusted her with hair dye and my hair. (If you actually know me in person, you’re possibly gasping in shock that I would let someone not properly trained and proven to touch my hair.) Every instinct was screaming in me to back off, this was getting too close too fast. Every instinct was saying that you cannot just claim people as friends because you get along with them ok. Every vibe was that something was off; there’s more to the story. And, per usual, every instinct and vibe was ignored.

These last two weeks, things have been simmering under the surface. Realizations that, as a Christian, I do need to stay somewhat of an influence in her life but that I also need back away slowly started to dawn. Maintain my testimony, but start distancing myself socially. Tonight, it all came to a head. I got hurt.

On the plus side, this time it was not physical.

On the down side, I got too close to the point where this hurt compares with hearing my sister, who will always be my first call even though I know it’s likely to go to voicemail, say that no one wants me.

It was pointed out that even though I have spent the last 13 years observing relationships in all phases – dating, engagements, marriage – to try to figure out what I’m doing wrong, I have not ever been married or even in a relationship, so I have no room to try to help my friends with their marriage difficulties.

Yes, this is usually my disclaimer: Keep in mind, I have not been married, but this is what I have observed and this is what married men and women have told me….

However. It still hurts hearing that with the emphasis said aloud by someone other than me.

There were other things said that helped me come to a conclusion that is officially time to back off, but that one sentence…

That sort of phrase brings back the reminders that yes, I should stop looking. Yes, I should be trusting in God’s timing. Yes, I have my (amazing!) family.

It also brings back the reminder that women were created because God realized men can’t be left alone. The Bible doesn’t say that women need to be married. Paul actually mentions a list of things single women, old maids, can do well. How we can be helpful in areas of the church and ministry that others cannot.

Whenever I went to my great-gram’s house, we played Old Maid. I used to love that game when I was a wee thing. I loved it in elementary. I liked it in junior high. I was wary of it in high school. I was in college when she died, but we played one last game before she went home. I hate that game.



Things Not to Tell a Single Lady

I am in my mid-twenties and still single. Let me tell you, there are several that we’re getting tired of hearing.

  1. Your time is not God’s time.
    Clearly, if we’re a Christian, we know this. That doesn’t make it easier. You also don’t know if it’s actually God’s plan for the poor girl to get married. That’s called false assurance and is bad. There are plenty of single women in the Bible.
  2. Maybe God just knows you’re not ready to get married yet. Maybe you have more to learn.
    Thank you for pointing out that everyone else recognizes that my life is currently a wreck, and it’s not just in my head. Here’s the thing. I know I’m not necessarily ready to get married in the fact that I have nothing to bring to the marriage beside more loans. I also know that the chance of me finding a man who actually wants to marry me after less than a year of dating is slim to none, so that gives me a year to get my life in order before I’m paying for a wedding and now taking care of a second human hopefully followed by more mini-humans.
    But, I’ve spent my entire life watching my parents. Whenever one of them had a rough day, as soon as the other got home, they give each other a hug, tell me to shut up and go away for a few minutes so they can talk about their day, my mum would go thunk into my daddy’s chest, and then they would fix it or at the very least be able to hold each other up until they fixed whatever was wrong.
    I want to be able to go home to a husband and go thunk into his chest after a long, troublesome day. Or I want a boyfriend I can call after that day who yes, will probably laugh at me, or be playing a computer game while talking to me, but at least he would be mine to call. Then, being a male, he would probably call me back several hours later with ideas after his one track mind has pondered it a bit more.
  3. You’re young; you’ve got time for a husband and kids.
    How do you know? I don’t know the status of my maternal, biological clock, so how on earth do you? How do you know my dreams? Unless you’re in my family or a close friend or somebody I felt like shocking by telling you I want 6 kids, you don’t know. Yeah, I’m not one of those modern, American women who only want 2 kids; I have wanted to have 6 kiddos of my own my entire life! I also don’t want to be pregnant til I’m 40 and then have no chance of seeing my great grandbabies. I want to have at least one year of my marriage of not being pregnant or with mini-mes crawling around. Unless we’re given twins, I’ve already said good-bye to two of my dream babies.
  4. Keep your standards high!
    Well no kidding. If I was willing to lower my standards, they would have been lowered before the 2 youngest of my 6 imaginary babies vanished, and I’d be married by now. Rough years would probably be ahead, but I’d be married.
  5. Quit looking; when the time is right, he’ll find you.
    Mmmm….I’m not so sure the potential husband of mine is not stuck in a treestand somewhere. While I 100% believe that the man is to be the head of the relationship which includes being the one to ask me out – not vice versa regardless of the times and trends – I also think that giving him a little push, like maybe make him a batch of cookies or something, might be necessary. Put the idea in his head.

So, while I know that most people who are already happily in a relationship or just got out of a relationship and don’t sympathize have these 5 common phrases at the ready for those of us who actually want to get married and have kiddos someday, we’re getting kinda tired of hearing them – especially from ourselves as we try to convince ourselves that no, we’re not going to die alone and leave our nephews/nieces as our heirs.

My Parents Argued…

. . . and I’m glad they did.

Allow me to explain.

I have read and heard from various sources that when this or that couple got married, they felt awful fighting so much because their parents never fought. They figured they were doing something wrong and wanted to quit the marriage because of it.

Sidenote: I realize mine is likely the last generation to be able to say that some have never seen their parents fighting or arguing due to many, many homes not have both parents. That alone is quite tragic.

To continue. My parents argued in front us, their children. When we enter into a relationship, we know that arguing is going to happen. It still is awful, but it is actually a bit unavoidable – especially, from what I have heard and observed, once marriage happens. When I get married, my husband and I will not wait til the kiddos are in bed or send them outside before we voice our disagreement. Now, we might take a walk or go outside to work out the details, but I would be doing a great disservice to my children to let them grow up thinking that their father and I never fought.

However, my parents never struck at each other in anger. My dad has never ONCE raised his hand against my mom and vice versa.

When I was kind of sort of with this one guy, we fought. At one point, I did realize that it was not normal or right for me to be in tears or anxious every time I knew or thought I was going to see this guy. Unfortunately, I was too cowardly to do anything about it at that time. I thought things would just get better. They did not. One day, I realized something had changed. His whole attitude seemed to have gotten more threatening. One time, I turned and him in what appeared to be an attempt to backhand me. I immediately called my dad for back-up and getting out of that situation. I did not tell him what I had seen and what was going to happen, just that I needed him to make an appearance. Things ended with that male immediately after that incident.

Basically, this post is because I was thinking about a friend of mine who is still with someone who once attempted to hit her, not realizing that she’s pretty strong and would not stand for such a thing. She went back to him after taking a few weeks away because she loves him.

Here’s the thing: she might love him, but if he truly loves her, even alcohol will not cause him to ever think of raising a hand against her. What’s in the heart will eventually come out via words and/or actions.

The Dawning of a New Movement

I have been trying to write a new post for a couple weeks, but, I guess you could call it writer’s block, would not let me. Last night, I had, what I think is, a brilliant line of thought:

The feminist movement is deceitful.

You might be thinking, well, duh, and starting to wonder if I had changed my views since my previous posts on the subject.

I have not. Think about it.

The definition of feminine is: having qualities or appearance traditionally associated with women; of or denoting a gender of nouns and adjectives, conventionally regarded as female (Oxford dictionary). The meaning of the suffix -ist, also according to the Oxford dictionary, is “a follower of a distinctive practice, system, or philosophy, typically a political ideology or an artistic movement.”

Based on those definitions, and common sense, a feminist should be the title given to women who embrace their feminine qualities – not to women who want to be a man. Those women should have a different title (see post about Target…)

A true feminist should love the fact that, for example, naturally, we’re better caring for others which encompasses so many jobs and daily tasks – healthcare, teaching little ones, running a household, etc.

Back to the title of this post: I propose that we should start a NEW feminist movement. This movement would recognize our strengths are different than the strengths of men. This movement would not degrade both men and women by claiming we are “equal.” Instead, this movement would encourage freedom for women to be who can and want to be! No more being satisfied with striving to get the same pay as men; now, women will focus on getting paid what they’re worth by practicing and obtaining better negotiating skills to get paid what we’re worth based on our experience and skills. This movement will enhance the natural abilities of women and strengthen our weaknesses.

In conclusion, I think I am now feminist, and from now on, the “women’s rights” movement shall be known as the anti-feminist movement.


Hitting the Bullseye

It amazes and amuses me that such a liberal store has a logo commonly associated with guns and hunting – the bullseye.

Let’s look at their history but not the history they have on a timeline on their website.

Since I was little, Target has

* refused to allow the Salvation Army to post buckets and volunteers outside the store collecting funds for those in need.

* been anti-military by penalizing reservists called back to active duty.

* again refused to allow Salvation Army to stand outside their stores after a few years of it being permitted.

* refused to allow a long-retired Marine to be posted at the store collecting Toys for Tots.

* refused to acknowledgment the differences that make each child special by getting rid of anything that could be “controversial” in the toy section as far as is it for boys or girls?

* finally said there are no such things as genders, use whichever bathroom you feel like regardless of how it makes others feel.

One of my friends posted that the probability of a transgender person attacking a person in one of those mixed bathrooms is far less than that transgender person being attacked. So, maybe Target is actually anti-transgender if they are promoting and increasing the chances of a transgender person being attacked? There’s a thought, but I think they are trying to strengthen their liberal stance.

Here’s what they, and all the people bashing Christians and non-Christians who oppose mixed bathrooms are missing: we are not saying or insinuating that the transgender person is going to rape us or our kids. We are saying that this provides an opportunity for a straight pervert to attack us. All that criminal has to do is say, “I was born male but identify more as a female,” and they will be allowed in a bathroom with vulnerable girls of all ages. THAT is why the majority of people are so against Target and others allowing transgenders to use bathrooms for the gender not belonging to their body.

For as often as Target has missed the mark on their corporate policies, they need to either change their name and logo or enlarge that logo so they have a better shot of hitting the bullseye.


Postscript: You can read back through my older posts to see what my views are on the gays and such, but since I haven’t specifically covered transgender, here is my very concise thought on it:  To say that you were born in one gender but were meant to be the opposite is saying that God made a mistake. God does not make mistakes.

Giving Control Back

In my opinion, Megan Trainor is one of the best on the radio these days.

She is stunningly beautiful and has a classic-sounding voice. Her music (and fashion) style take me back to what I imagine to be better days in the music history of America. Her songs usually put a smile on my face. Why? Because, well, they’re fun, and I think they encourage women to take back the control we used to have.

Feminists will have you believe that we were slaves to men in the past, that now is time for us to be empowered.

No. I’ve written this before and probably will again: women used to rule the world. Feminists are taking away power from us with the whole “be equal with men” spiel.

Dear Future Husband is possibly my favorite of her songs. The tune is catchy, and (with the exception of not knowing how to cook) it’s pretty spot on with my friends and I. It’s also reminding women that men have a responsibility to their wives and always have. She hits the older, 50s-style stereotypes and points out that some of them may not be true anymore (“you work the 9 to 5, but baby so do I.”). I don’t like all the lines (“cause if you treat me right, I’ll be the perfect wife…”) from a Christian standpoint, but overall, yeah. The men do need to remember and pamper the wife on anniversaries, not forget about the families of their wife, and treat her like a lady.

She has a new song out right now called NO. I am not fond of the music video, at all, but the song is one huge good point: No means No. Contrary to popular belief, when a girl tells a guy no, that’s exactly what she means, and he needs to back off.

What prompted this post today?

I was driving home and heard a radio host/DJ person introduce that song, NO, by saying something along the lines of, “Is it just me, or does Megan Trainor sound really maintenance?” I was not happy.

Feminists and poor parenting have now ingrained in the minds of today’s youth that demanding that you be treated special, as ladies should be treated because we are different than men, is being high maintenance. Guys should be finding some girl who doesn’t mind getting groped at bars whereas Megan Trainor actually says, “I don’t need your hands all over me.” Apparently that’s high maintenance these days.

Megan Trainor is working, whether she realizes it or not, to give control back to each individual women.